If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
