So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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