Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
