im drinking this country out of the recession.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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