Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
