After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
