that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
