made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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