we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
