Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
