My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
