so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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