Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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