Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
