my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
