She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
