Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
