she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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