I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
