Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
