the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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