I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I love having hate sex.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
