who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
