So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
