im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
