I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
