Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
