I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
