If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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