he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
how drunk are you?
Several
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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