So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
