Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
this just has baby written all over it
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
