she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
