I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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