I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
