my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
