I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
