Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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