My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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