Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
