Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
