Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
