Betty ford says i'm here all night
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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