guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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