the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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