I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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