2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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