I wish I only lived at night.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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