you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
