matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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