upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
