i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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