if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
