there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
