Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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