It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
