Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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